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Author   Topic : "It was a bad night, (and today isn't any better)"
faustgfx
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 9:43 am     Reply with quote
i seriously have been thinking of going through sex change surgery.

as a "woman", i could wake revenge on those kids, and also, would propably find a girlfriend way easier.

ain't kidding.



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Adamantine
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 2:36 pm     Reply with quote
faust, i totally agree with what you said, and i kinda think i know the cause of all the assholeness in males. unlike you(and many other intelligent peeps in this world) most guys cant think for themselves. if they watch tv and see a lot of crap about how women should be, or read playboy every month, or watch pornos etc etc they are not going to question what they see and hear. they just blindly believe everything that media(in mostly any form or shape) says is true. and if media portrays girls as 1 perfect type of body that doesnt even exist cause that body has been altered with plastic surgery, breast implants or digital editing then guys believe thats the way girls should be. It's not just about how girls should look its about everything thats portrayed in media.the reason i know this stuff is because i've got this mediaclass where we're taught all about how media use whatever tactics they want to make money, or how to make ous think...you just cant believe what things i've heard, and i'd say id be much happier if i wouldnt have heard it because it just makes me hate myself(as a guy) and this screwed up world we're living in . ok its not only in mediaclass just in everything i see, like the things faust said...the reason why im not like all those assholes is because i've spent most of my life alone, i've always been really shy, and never more then 1-2 friends and now i have 0. so i've just made up my own opinions instead of getting it from others, and i've never really watched tv that much , well when i watched it the most i never really understand what it was all about anyway, and now when i do, i think about what i see and not just blindly believe everything. ugh so before i just hated myself, now i hate the world and all the fake ignorant guys and girls and companies and blah blah blah ill stop
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Adamantine
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 2:52 pm     Reply with quote
just a thought on the ego stuff. how many women doesnt take advantage of stupid guys just to get what they want? i could be small things from selling apples(like who would want to buy an apple from an ugly guy, eww) or marry a rich guy so she can go to the mall and buy all stuff she wants. etc etc etc etc etc. yeah i thought girls were great to but because of a few relationsships were I ALWAYS thought she loved me , now she says like friendship, oh fuck it, its fucking complicated,,,,,,,,,,,,no it wasnt just betrayal from 1 girl. yes almost all guys are assholes, so i'd want to be apart of the female gender cause i dont beeing an asshole. but then if you wanted love you'd prolly end up with an asshole, even if he was great in the beginning. so like grrrrr no way out. there is always a way to change things. even if it only affects a few people you've made a change which could always lead to something better.
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kurisu
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 3:04 pm     Reply with quote
Well written, Affected. I agree almost completely...

When I'm in love (and I really think this applies to anyone in love) it makes me feel good to shower the other person with love, respect, kindness, support, gifts... anything and everything I can do. But, see, it makes ME feel good to do that. Of course, I don't think about it like "Well, if I give her a call, that will make her happy, then because she's happy, that will make me happy..." but I think that's how the subconscious cycle works. That's why I think even love is selfish. You're right in that it doesn't (or hopefully doesn't) hurt the other person with this kind of selfishness, but it's still a form - a 'positive' form - of being selfish.

And faustgfx, I have a few questions, and I'm interested to know your thoughts...

First off, this lady you love and loved, have you ever told her how you feel? Even an inkling? If not, I can understand fearing her rejection, but let me tell you a story about myself that's funny and lame... but it helped me feel stronger and realize something... (if nothing else, just laugh at me!)

Several years ago, I was in Blockbuster Video with a couple of friends. I was single, had been for what I considered 'awhile.' I was trying to find a movie that looked interesting, and I spotted a beautiful lady... Now, I'd been in a Dilbert job for awhile - but within a male-dominated industry. I spent most of my time at work, and didn't really meet any women. I sort of got into this mode that created a sense of 'urgency' when I saw or felt an opportunity to meet someone. So, I saw this very attractive lady picking up videos. She had 3 in her hands. I thought, "I wonder if she has someone special?" It was a Saturday night, she had a bunch of videos and I rationalized that she just might have been single. I was feeling very confident, in a 'ah-what-the-heck' kind of a mood, and an idea popped into my mind, as I tried to 'pretend' like I was looking at videos. I thought, "why don't I just walk up to her and say something... like, ask her name or something simple." and I giggled to myself thinking, "now THAT's something I'd never do..." and I kept thinking about it, "yeah - YEAH - why DON'T I just ask her name?!" and built myself up more and more, thinking that one thought. Of course, within a few minutes, my heart was racing, and I was no longer calm and confident... and I knew that if I didn't act fast, I'd totally lose my nerve. I thought "She's beautiful and maybe she's intelligent, sweet, etc. too! So why wait?!" and I just walked up to her, heart pumping madly, and said, "excuse me," in a mild voice. She turned and looked at me. MAN she was beautiful! I said, less confidently, "what's your name?" She looked slightly perplexed (as you might expect), but answered. My mind was a complete and udder blank. I actually hadn't anticipated her even answering me (heh) "DUUUHHHHH..." my mind mused. And the silent pause and my realization of how weird this situation must be for her made me nervous, and so I just said softly "Thank you," turned and walked away.

HA! Poor girl, can't imagine what must have gone through her mind!

This experience opened up my eyes to a few things. I realized "you know what? So what if it was weird. So what if I had NO idea what to say next. So what if nothing happened..." I understood that my intentions were good, I wasn't trying to hurt her (or anyone else) and the most important thing was that it was no big deal! I had built up the idea of actually talking to her to be some big, huge thing, when really, it could have been just like any other conversation... The experience sort of revitalized me, made me appreciate taking a risk, seeing that failure isn't so bad...

Now, I haven't done something quite like that since then, but I can tell you for sure, as much of a goober as I might have seemed, that experience was a definite step towards becoming more confident and being happier.

Now, faustgfx, I'm not equating your situation (which I know nothing about) to my simple one. But, the philosophy behind it is what I think is most important.

Even though I still get nervous - I totally believe this:

We only live in this form once - so don't sweat the small stuff - take chances - what is there to REALLY lose? ...oh yeah, and like handsome ScoobyDoo quoted above "Life's too serious to be taken seriously."

What do you think?

-k
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Adamantine
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 3:08 pm     Reply with quote
oh yeah, just remember this film about the invetors of silicone implants. well it was pretty cool and i remember 1 girl saying in it that she had a good education and had a good job and was respected. then she got her breasts enlarged and after that everyone thought of her as stupid, whore, things like that. all because she wasnt happy how she looked so she wanted to look better and what did she get? she lost respect.
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faustgfx
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 3:10 pm     Reply with quote
you agree with the sex changing bit as well? :|~

shit happens, the "good" people are usually the ones that get outcasted and forgotten.

until someone needs money, food, home, or whatever from them, that is, because the "good" people get further in life, get good jobs, good education, and generally have a stable life.

sucks to be a "decent" person as well. go figure.

*start ramble*

(don't consider this as a strive to gain pity and sympathy. naw. just rambling.)

(and don't read if you've got a problem with random babbling)

hmm. yeah. i think i got my first real friend (think it actually was Affected) around when 5th grade started. had moved from the country just then, after my dear father burned himself and our house. on purpose, even. been a hermit of sorts for most of my little life, so i've had enough time to think. didn't go party or get drunk or hang with friends or anything when others did, i just stuck to my own little world and thought about things.

in my loneliness, i created a few replicas of myself in to my head. one was myself, one was my emotions, one was the voice of reason, one was what another person would think like from outsider's point of view, and one was the cruel one who tried to backstab and make things generally fall apart. this way of thinking taught me alot of things about practically *everything* in my life, i found much more answers, new views and ways, new knowledge, and alot of understanding.

during junior high (or at least i think that's what one'd call 7th to 9th grade, in our system), i was generally considered a boring, stupid computer geek kid. after all, i was "lesser" because i didn't drink, or have a girlfriend, or have rich parents, or have alot of neat stuff, and so forth.

after all, once you get stuck to hiding things from people, breaking off the pattern is difficult.

but this gave me time to think. yeah, i observed people, thought about their lives and things related, thought about everything.

and after finding the multipersonality way of thinking, i've found out even more. boosted my thinking capacity, one could say.

sadly, i don't know many people who've made this break through of thinking, so to say. when people don't get "enlightened" like that, they become just like everyone else. they don't think, they just do. everything comes free and already made for them in their lives. call it being a spoiled kid if you like.

so i got kind of outcasted from the normal youth pattern of every day life, just 'cause i found Quake 1 multiplayer more interesting than getting wasted at some teen party.
again, even more time to think instead of doing, while others do instead of thinking.

understanding things.. eh. i learned to understand things, learned to rationalize, study things from psychological point of view(s), and so forth. again all while others just did instead of thinking.

see the pattern? at least based from my own experience, i dare say that "outcasted" (in lack of a better word, even) people are more understanding and think more. but what the fuck is it good for? outcasted people don't get a chance to tell anyone about their thoughts or views, they aren't given a chance to *affect* the people around him.

so what happens then? the outcasted person, like me, turns into a hardcore computer nerd, who likes to think he's a bit above your average airhead young kid. i have views and opinions and i'd like to get my voice heard on a few issues, but it's just not possible. i get no respect or acknowledgement from people around me, and when i open my mouth, the people around me regard me as a closet homosexual artist freak.

what more, because of my looks (i wear black, black side-bald hair, look coarse and jagged) i even more often get regarded as a intelligence-lacking blackmetalist druggie. riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. again the judging-the-book-by-it's-cover -deal.

it is kind of odd, really, (to hop from thing to another a bit..) how them sweet and kind and understanding and intelligent and decent men are too often found from sitting in front of their computers through the whole friday night instead of being at some party or happening or hanging out with friends or whatever. this results in that the women who seriously look for company (even if it was just one night stands or they are desperate enough to try the "hi, wanna start dating?" style) only find the pack animal airhead trend slave party animal men who consider women to be just fuckable meat.

eh. i sound like an canadian, eh. eh. but seriously, what i just described (not the canadian bit) can't really be changed, as far as i can figure it out.

it's a social disease, a society's big big mispoint, something incurable that needs to be cured. but how? beats me. with a metal bat.

yeah. much good my talking will do anyway. instead of making some girl's life a bit more enjoyable and nicer and better, i'm up at 1 am on thursday/friday night chewing this shit to my web browser. with my room warm Coca Cola and (seriously) cold pizza.

and since the females of my age are "used" to dealing with trend slave airhead oxygenperoxidehaired pretty boys, people like me will get shunned off and turned down *so* fast it's not even funny.

i mean, come on. people who don't know me (and not many do really *know* me) think of me as an psychotic goth/blackmetalist dumbfuck numbnut. imagine what happens if i ask a girl out. i'm not even given a chance to finish saying "uh..hi" before they go "get lost, freak". what's up with that?

if in that example the guy wasn't me, i could say this;

the outcasted smartnicekindandcaring kid gets turned down just because of the fact that he doesn't look like the other kids in Fubu/Homeboy/Madkow/Bronx clothes and trendy jackets and fancy hair, 'cause the girl is more used to having those Fubu-#@^!'s around her as her friends and whatnot.

good kid gets turned down for being a good kid. right. what's up with that? madness, that's what it is.

the world's a bad bad place and i don't think my uninteresting and irrelevant shit chewing will change a thing.

that said, out.


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the owls damn sure aren't what they seem.
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faustgfx
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 3:22 pm     Reply with quote
gah, took too long to write the previous one, 2 more posts appeared in the meantime.

kurisu- yeah. the spontaneous sentimental butchering. she knows.

as for myself being a stuck up old skool romantic and chivalrous (at least in my own mind.... affected, knowing me in person, could disagree ) want only that one. i mean, she's "perfect" (as perfect as a person can be from another person's personal point of view) for me. or rather, she's perfect in my eyes. yeah, i can explain that as well. let's see. i like her personality, i like her voice, i like her behaviour model, both social and otherwise, i like her looks (aye, i've never seen another so beautiful), i like her way of thinking, i like her mindsets, i like her views on things in general and whatnot, i like the way she looks at others, i like the way she moves, i like the way she forms sentences, i like the way she holds a fork in her hand while eating.. and the list goes on. the only not so pleasant point about her is the fact that she does date that numb brained mannerless whigger kid from the bowels of satan.

yeah. i don't want anyone else. plus, as hard as i try, i can't force myself to love someone else. i also can't control my feelings, which has gotten me into some hardcore nasty shit. (big hand for affected letting me to stay over at his place last time i went hysteric and out of control. [affected- i never managed to say it aloud that the reason i was so fucked up wasn't 'cause of my "mother", but the fact that it could have been the last day i'd seen that girl again.])

because i showed that i am capable of positive emotions, caring, liking and whatnot, because i showed that i am different from others, because i look like i look, i got torn apart and shitted upon. hoooray.

geek discrimination, that's what it is, god damnit.

i really am too tired to say anything intelligent right now. it's late.

out.


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the owls damn sure aren't what they seem.
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faustgfx
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 3:34 pm     Reply with quote
and on that remark, that will be my last post on this thread.

further discussion -> icq.



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the owls damn sure aren't what they seem.
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Adamantine
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 3:47 pm     Reply with quote
gawd, faust, the way you described that girl and your situation and everything is just what i feel, and think, and damnit, i thought i was the only one like that...
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faustgfx
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2000 4:08 pm     Reply with quote
get out of my head!



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Spitfire
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2000 2:25 am     Reply with quote
While there is no right or wrong in this kind of discussion, simply because it's about emotions rather than hard facts, i cant say i "disagree" or anything, since one's emotions are allways right. However i'd like to add another point of view on the "geek" subject.

I, too, spend more than 8 hours a day behind the computer. I make a living behind the computer and i exercise my many hobbies behind the computer. On an average weekday i spend about 10 hours behind the screen.

However, i also have my fair share of the "hanging out and getting drunk" ritual of young people. This is because i have some friends (REAL friends) that do not share my passion for the digital world and drag me out into the "real" (ahem) world. So while im behind the computer during the week, im out and doing stuff in the weekend. I enjoy both just as much.

I dont think one has to choose (is there a choice?) between the 2 ways of life. While my friends dislike, sometimes even dont have, computers, they do not see me as a geek or computernerd or in any other way different from them. Some of them are in bands and play instruments all day - noone considers them "guitairgeeks", nor am i judged for living behind a computer 70% of the week.

As for the actual hanging out - yes. i know lots of people that just get drunk and do nothing else. But on many occasions i also find myself discussing meaningfull things with my friends, face to face. Things that i would never talk about on ICQ, simply because you need to look one in the eyes to speak.

Conclusion : I dont think its right to divide the world into black and white, the webgeeks being intelligent and introspective and the out-hanging being dumb and shallow. There are billions of people in this world, and they are all unique individuals - even the trend-hopping out-selling whiggers.

Ofcourse, this is merely my point of view on things and noone needs to agree with it in any way, nor is it ment as an assault on other people's opinions stated here.
Keep your pants on

/Spitfire



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They're clawing at the sky,
they're gonna pull it down.
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kurisu
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2000 2:32 am     Reply with quote
I agree


Pants... ON!

Ignition... ON!

Thrusters... ON!

Me... GONE!


bye-bye,

-k
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Optical
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 29, 2000 9:15 am     Reply with quote
yeah, i know this topic is old.. but just wanted to say how sorry i am about what you have gone through, makes me kind of sad. It pisses me off to hear this kind of thing from guys (as i am 16..) but sadly, it always happens =(

I am sorry about that idiot posting that remarks about you in the "see what you look like.." topic. I'm sure you wouldn't have minded if he had just said "you are a pretty girl.." etc..
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