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Author   Topic : "--Bill Gates Dies--"

Member #
Joined: 12 Jan 2000
Posts: 524
Location: united states

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2000 12:50 pm     Reply with quote
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found
himself in Purgatory being sized up by
God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on
this call. I'm not sure whether to send you
to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in
almost every home in the world and yet you
created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going
to do something I've never done before. In
your case, I'm going to let you decide where
you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both
places briefly if it will help you make a

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters. There were thousands of
beautiful women running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature
was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This
is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I
REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with
angels drifting about playing harps and
singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and
rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I
prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So
Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing
in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found
Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst
the hot flames in a dark cave. He was
being burned and tortured by demons. "How's
everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish
and disappointment, "This is awful, this is
not what I expected. I can't believe this
happened. What happened to that other place
with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

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Member #
Joined: 16 Feb 2000
Posts: 482
Location: Santa Monica, California, USA

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2000 2:21 pm     Reply with quote
LOL Jess!
"A Cat In Heaven"

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.

A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"
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Member #
Joined: 12 Jan 2000
Posts: 524
Location: united states

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2000 3:03 pm     Reply with quote
LOL that is so cute!

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junior member

Member #
Joined: 03 Apr 2000
Posts: 14

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2000 4:12 pm     Reply with quote
hahaha, nice stories.

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Member #
Joined: 20 Dec 1999
Posts: 406
Location: unknown

PostPosted: Wed Apr 05, 2000 6:31 pm     Reply with quote
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Member #
Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 2009
Location: Amsterdam, the Netherlands

PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2000 1:35 am     Reply with quote

These are all taken from police records in the USA (true stories) that are
fully documented.


On a Sunday evening, a young woman drove herself to a meeting she had up
north the next day, when she noticed that she was running low on gas and
didn't know where the next gas station was.

Just as she thought she would have to pull over and sleep the night on the
side of the road, she came across a rather dodgy-looking petrol station.

When she pulled in, the attendant made his way round the car and seemed to
be very distracted when she asked him to fill it up. She even thought that
the man was making faces at her! He finally agreed to get the gas, but then
asked her to pop open the hood of the car because there "seemed to be a
problem." Naturally, the woman became a little anxious - she was all alone
in a remote gas station, out in the middle of nowhere and it was obvious
that the attendant was trying to find reasons to keep her there.

He asked her to come look at the engine, because he had to "show her
something". Not wanting to seem hysterical and paranoid, she did as he
asked. As she rounded the front of the car he grabbed her arm and said that
her car needed to be towed to the nearest town and she would have to come
into the office to complete the paperwork. He then put his hand over her
mouth and forced her into the office.

She began to bite his hand once they were inside and he let her go. He
explained to her that there was a man crouched down in the backseat of her
car and the attendant didn't want him to know that he'd been seen.

They called the police who came to arrest the man who, it was later
discovered, was a known serial killer.


Two friends moved to New York, and because rent was so high, they shared a
studio apartment. One of the girls was a real party girl and the other
apparently a stay-at-home type.

One Friday evening the party girl headed out for a night on the town, and
asked her flatmate to come along. The girl declined and said she was going
to read and then go to bed early.

The girl had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she remembered
she had forgotten something. By this time, pretty plastered, she stumbled
back to the apartment and quietly let herself in.

Not wanting to wake her flatmate, she didn't turn the light on, picked up
whatever it was she went back for and returned to the bar.

When she got home the next morning, she opened the door to this:

Her flatmate's head had been cut off and was lying on the floor.

Scrawled in her blood on the walls were the words:-
"Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?"


A Spanish man doing some business in Poland came across an open funeral
with a casket laid out for viewing. Bizarrely, he went in but found no one
there. He felt bad for the dead man, said a prayer, and signed the

A month later he got a call from the dead man's lawyer.

Apparently, the deceased's will stipulated his multi-million dollar fortune
be split evenly amongst all who attended his wake.

The Spanish businessman was the only one who signed the book.


Berlin - Just after W.W.II. A young woman made the following report to the

She had met a blind man at a rally. She claims that they hit it off pretty
well and the blind man asked her for a favour; could she possibly deliver
the letter to the address on the envelope? As it was on her way home, she

She started out to deliver the letter, but then turned around to ask the
a question. To her dismay, she spotted him hurrying through the crowd in
the opposite direction - without his dark glasses or white cane.

Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police, who
raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh
for sale.

What was in the envelope?

A note which said "This is the last one I am sending you today."

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Member #
Joined: 22 Oct 1999
Posts: 1854
Location: Helsinki, Finland

PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2000 1:38 am     Reply with quote
Hehe. I may have told this one before, but anyway..

Early one week God decided he'd had enough of the mess the humans were making on earth. It was time to end it all, he thought, and so he called three earthern men of power to see him. These men were Bill Clinton, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates.He told these three men he would destroy the world on friday and told them to go back to earth and spread the news. And so they all did. Over in Russia, Putin held a live televised speech in which he told the people of what was to happen, telling them to pray for mercy, and Clinton did the same. When Gates addressed the employees of Microsoft, however, he only had this to say:
"I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, the world is going to end next Friday. The good news is, we wont have to fix the bugs in Windows!"
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